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David's Take
Are You Sure You're Allowed to Marry Them?
Let me start with the good news: the couple in this story is legally married. It just took a little longer than any of us planned.
It was my very first wedding, in a very small town. I wanted to do it right, so before I said yes, I went to my church authorities and asked if I could perform the ceremony.
They were wonderful. They gave me every assurance, spiritually, emotionally, even on the practical side. They sent me off with their prayers and good wishes, and I went off feeling ready.
The ceremony went beautifully. Afterward I sat down to sign the wedding documents, and everything was fine until I came to the line asking for my ordination or license number.
I didn't have one.
So I called the church authorities and asked for my number. There was a long silence. "You mean you're not ordained? You don't have a license to perform weddings?"
Ah, no.
O my.
Here's what had happened. My question was a legal one: am I allowed to perform this wedding? They heard a young man looking for encouragement, and they gave it to him. I heard their encouragement and took it as a legal yes. We were both sure we'd understood each other, and neither of us had.
Meanwhile, I had sent a happy couple off on their honeymoon who were not, in the eyes of the law, married.
It took a letter from me, a letter from the church, and a special hearing by the government to make an exception. Eventually the paperwork went through, and the marriage was validated and legal.
I never told the couple. They were legally married, so there was no need. They didn't need the added stress, and I certainly didn't need that embarrassing conversation.
Being asked, being ordained and being blessed are all good things. None of them is the same as being allowed to sign the license.
How to make sure it doesn't happen to you
This matters even more today, when many friends and family members are ordained online.
Ask the legal question plainly, and ask the right office. Don't ask your church or the website that ordained you. Ask the county clerk where the wedding will take place: "Am I legally allowed to sign a marriage license here, and what do I need to do first?"
Find out whether you need to register. In some places, ordination alone is enough. In others, you have to register with the state or county before the wedding. Rules differ from state to state and sometimes county to county.
Look at the license before the wedding day. Ask the couple to show you the license, or a blank copy, ahead of time. If there's a line for a license or ordination number, make sure you have one to write in.
Get it in writing. An email or letter confirming you're authorized is worth keeping.
Know the deadline. The signed license usually has to be returned to the county within a set number of days. Find out how many, and don't let it sit in your glove box.
And if the wedding is in another country, the rules can be very different. In Mexico, for instance, only a government official can legally marry you.
If you're the couple, it's perfectly fine to ask your officiant, kindly, "You're all set to sign the license, right?" A good officiant won't be offended. I certainly wouldn't have been, and it would have saved everyone a few letters and a hearing.
