Wedding Toasts: How to Give a Meaningful Wedding Toast

A wedding toast is a brief expression of good wishes offered in honor of the newly married couple.

Traditionally, the person giving the toast raises a glass and invites the other guests to join in wishing the couple happiness, love and a good life together.

But a toast is more than raising a glass. At its best, it is a moment when someone who matters to the couple says, in front of the people gathered around them:

I know you. I care about you. I celebrate what you have found in each other, and I wish you well in the life you are beginning together.

That is why some of the most memorable wedding toasts aren’t the funniest or most eloquent ones. They are the ones that sound genuine.

The words wedding toast and wedding speech are often used interchangeably, and there is nothing wrong with that. Technically, however, there is a difference.

A wedding speech is the message itself—the stories, memories, observations and good wishes someone shares with the couple and their guests. The toast is traditionally the conclusion: the moment when the speaker raises a glass and invites everyone to join in honoring the couple.

For example, someone might speak for three or four minutes about knowing one of the partners, share a brief story about the couple and then conclude:

“Please raise your glasses with me. To a lifetime of love, laughter and discovering just how wonderful life can be when you share it with your best friend.”

That’s the toast.

Today, however, most people simply refer to the entire thing as a wedding toast. Don’t worry too much about the terminology. Concentrate instead on what you want the couple to remember.

There really isn’t one required list anymore.

Traditionally, certain people were expected to give wedding toasts—the father of the bride, best man and groom, for example. Many weddings today look very different. Parents from either or both families may speak. A sibling may offer a toast. A maid or person of honor may speak. Both partners may thank their guests. Grandparents, children, close friends or other important people may be included.

I’ve noticed that couples sometimes look primarily to younger family members and friends when deciding who will give the toasts. Don’t overlook the older people in your lives.

I’ve been at weddings where an older parent, grandparent or longtime family friend absolutely knocked it out of the park. Perhaps it comes partly from years of life experience. They have stories to tell, perspective that comes with time, and sometimes a wonderful ability to recognize what really matters.

Someone who has lived a long life may also see the marriage being celebrated from a different perspective. They know something about relationships, about families, about difficult years as well as good ones, and about how quickly the years pass.

Age alone certainly doesn’t make someone a good speaker, any more than youth makes someone a poor one. But don’t assume that the people giving the toasts need to be members of the couple’s generation.

The question doesn’t have to be, “Who is supposed to give a toast?” A better question may be:

“Who has something meaningful to say?”

You also don’t need to give everyone who loves the couple a microphone. Too many speeches can turn a warm part of the reception into a long program that guests begin waiting to get through. Choose a few people whose words will add something special to the celebration.

There is no single correct time for wedding toasts. At many receptions, toasts are given during dinner. Some couples schedule them shortly after everyone is seated. Others wait until the meal is underway or nearly finished.

There are practical considerations. If you have several speakers, spreading the toasts throughout dinner can keep them from feeling like one long block of speeches. If the catering staff is serving courses, coordinate with them so someone isn’t delivering a heartfelt toast while servers are clearing dishes or asking guests whether they want coffee.

Your DJ, emcee, wedding planner or coordinator can also help make the transition into the toasts feel natural. The important thing is that people can hear, the speakers aren’t competing with other activities, and the couple can actually enjoy the moment.

Shorter is usually better. For most wedding toasts, three to five minutes is plenty.

That may not sound like much time, but stand in front of a room and speak continuously for five minutes and you will discover that it is longer than you think. A toast doesn’t become more meaningful because it becomes longer.

If you have ten stories you could tell about the bride, groom or couple, choose the one that says the most. If you have six things you want to tell them, decide which two really matter.

Leave people wishing you had spoken a little longer rather than wondering when you are going to finish.

You don’t need to be a professional writer. You do need to know what you want to say. Before writing anything, ask yourself: what do I most want this couple to know? That question can take you much further than trying to come up with a clever opening.

A simple wedding toast can follow this pattern:

1. Introduce yourself

   Not everyone at the wedding will know who you are. Tell them your name and your relationship to the couple. You don’t need a lengthy introduction. One or two sentences are enough.

2. Share something personal

   This is where the toast becomes yours. You might tell a short story, describe a quality you admire, recall when you first heard about the relationship, or talk about something you’ve noticed since the couple came together. The best stories aren’t necessarily dramatic. Sometimes a small moment reveals much more about a person or a relationship than a grand story does.

3. Bring the story back to the couple

   A wedding toast isn’t primarily an opportunity to tell a funny story about your friend or child. The story should lead somewhere. What does it tell us about this person? What does it tell us about the relationship? Why does it make you hopeful about their life together? That connection turns an anecdote into a meaningful toast.

4. Include both partners

   If you are the father of one partner, the best friend of another or the sibling who has known one of them since childhood, it is natural that much of your story will involve the person you know best. But remember why everyone is gathered. A wedding toast should ultimately honor the couple. Find a way to acknowledge the other partner and the relationship they are building together.

5. Offer a wish for their marriage

   This can be simple. You may wish them laughter, patience, adventure, friendship, courage, good health or a lifetime of discovering new things about each other. You don’t have to sound profound. Speak from the heart.

6. Raise your glass

   Finish clearly. Invite the guests to raise their glasses and join you in honoring the couple. Then give them something worth raising their glasses to.

People sometimes think a memorable toast needs a memorable joke. It doesn’t. Humor can be wonderful, especially when it comes naturally to the person speaking. But warmth, honesty and affection are more important.

Think about the wedding toasts you have heard over the years. Chances are you don’t remember every clever line.

• You may remember the father whose voice broke when he talked about his daughter.
• You may remember the lifelong friend who told one story that perfectly captured who the groom was.
• You may remember a mother welcoming a new son or daughter into the family.
• You may remember laughing because the story was funny—but also because it was true.

Those moments work because they are human.

There is something about a toast that is different from almost anything else that happens during a wedding reception. One person may be doing the speaking, but in a sense, everyone in the room participates.

When the speaker finally says, “Please raise your glasses,” the guests aren’t simply following instructions. By raising their glasses together, they are joining in the good wishes that have just been expressed. For a brief moment, family members, longtime friends, new friends and people from different parts of the couple’s lives become part of one shared gesture.

I think that’s one of the reasons the tradition of the wedding toast has lasted. The words may come from one person, but the sentiment belongs to the room.

That’s also why the ending of a toast matters. After you’ve shared your story, your memories or your hopes for the couple, give the guests a clear invitation to join you:

“Please raise your glasses with me…”

Then offer one simple wish for the couple and allow everyone gathered to become part of it. A good wedding toast doesn’t just say something about the couple. For a few moments, it brings the people who care about them together.

It can be. It doesn’t have to be.

If humor is natural for you, use it. Laughter can relax the room and make a wedding toast delightful. But don’t feel that you need to become a comedian simply because you’ve been asked to speak.

I’ve also seen humor work against the person giving the toast. At one wedding, the speaker used an old line:

“It has been said that a man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.”

He was obviously trying to get a laugh. It didn’t work. The joke fell flat, and from where I was sitting, the bride appeared to be offended. Instead of adding warmth to the moment, the joke briefly took it away.

That’s the danger with humor at a wedding. Jokes about marriage being miserable, husbands being trapped, wives being difficult or either partner surrendering their freedom may once have been common wedding humor. That doesn’t mean they belong in your toast. You aren’t there to get a laugh at the couple’s expense.

Years ago, when my children were growing up, I used to tell them something about humor:

“If it isn’t fun for everyone, it isn’t fun.”

I think that’s a pretty good rule for wedding toasts, too.

The best wedding humor doesn’t require a victim. It grows naturally out of affection—a funny story, a recognizable personality trait or something about the couple that allows everyone, including the couple, to laugh together.

Before including a joke or funny story, ask yourself two questions: Will the couple enjoy this as much as everyone else? And perhaps even more importantly: Will the couple still enjoy this story tomorrow?

If you’re not sure, leave it out. There will always be another joke. There may not be another opportunity to give these particular words to people you care about on their wedding day.

A few things can quickly take attention away from the couple. Avoid:

• stories that humiliate either partner
• inside jokes that almost no one understands
• criticism disguised as humor
• references to former partners
• family conflicts or old grievances
• stories involving excessive drinking, drugs or sexual exploits
• comments about when the couple will have children
• jokes about divorce or marriage being miserable
• turning the toast into a speech about yourself

You know your audience better than anyone else. Use good judgment. The goal isn’t to prove how entertaining you can be. The goal is to honor the couple.

Yes. I strongly recommend it.

I’ve attended weddings where it was obvious that the person giving the toast had prepared carefully. The stories were well chosen, the thoughts were clear, and the words seemed to fit the moment. What sounded natural and effortless was often effective precisely because a great deal of thought had gone into it beforehand.

I’ve also attended weddings where the person giving the toast relied on being spontaneous and speaking “from the heart,” without much preparation. The intention may have been just as sincere, but the result was often not nearly as effective, meaningful or memorable.

Speaking from the heart and preparing aren’t opposites. In fact, preparation can help you discover what it is that you really want to say.

Write down your thoughts. Decide which stories are worth telling and which ones aren’t. Look for the unnecessary words and take them out. Then read your toast aloud several times. Something that looks wonderful on a screen can sound awkward when spoken. Reading it aloud will also tell you how long your toast really is.

Then decide how much you need in front of you. Some people are comfortable with a few notes. Others prefer having the complete toast available. There is no prize for memorizing it. The guests care much more about what you say than whether you occasionally look at a piece of paper.

Once you know what you want to say, the delivery becomes much easier.

Speak slowly

Most of us speak faster when we’re nervous. Slow down. Give people time to hear your words and respond to them.

Look at the couple

You are speaking to a room full of people, but your words are ultimately for the couple. Look at them. That simple act can transform a speech from a performance into a personal moment.

Use the microphone—and let people see you

I’ve been at weddings where someone begins a toast by saying, “I think everyone can hear me, so I’m not going to use the microphone.” Usually, they can’t. A reception room filled with people, conversation, dishes and background noise is very different from talking across a dinner table. Some guests may also have difficulty hearing even when the room seems quiet to you.

I’ve also seen people give their entire toast while standing beside their chair rather than moving to the microphone, podium or another place where everyone can see them.

I understand the thinking behind this. Standing at your table without a microphone can seem warmer, more intimate and less formal. But what feels intimate to the speaker can have exactly the opposite effect on the people gathered. If guests are straining to hear you or can’t see you, they become disconnected from what you’re saying.

If a microphone is available, use it. And whenever possible, stand somewhere that allows the guests—and especially the couple—to see you. You don’t necessarily need a formal podium or platform, but don’t hide yourself in the middle of a crowded room.

A wedding toast is meant to be shared. Warmth isn’t created by avoiding the microphone. It comes from what you say and how you say it. Give everyone in the room the opportunity to be part of the moment.

Don’t rush the laughter

If people laugh, let them. Don’t begin your next sentence while everyone is still reacting to the last one. The same applies to emotional moments. A little silence isn’t a problem.

Let yourself be human

You may become emotional. That’s all right. A trembling voice or a moment when you need to collect yourself isn’t a failed toast. Sometimes it is precisely the moment people remember.

You are in good company. Public speaking makes many people nervous, and a wedding can add another layer because the occasion matters to you. You want to say the right thing, and suddenly even words you know well can feel difficult to say.

I learned something about this many years ago.

When I was in public school, I was a very poor reader. Reading aloud was particularly difficult for me. I would hesitate over words, and my reading was painfully halting rather than smooth and natural.

Fortunately, I had a very wise Grade 5 teacher. One day he took me aside and gave me some unusual advice. He told me to get a book, go outside, find a tree where no one was around, sit down—and read the book out loud.

His explanation has stayed with me all these years. He believed I was afraid of the sound of my own voice.

So I did what he suggested. With no classmates listening, no one judging me and no reason to be embarrassed, I could simply hear myself speak.

There may be a lesson in that for anyone preparing a wedding toast. Don’t practice it only in your head. Say it out loud.

You can practice in front of a mirror if that helps, but you don’t need an audience. Go into an empty room. Sit outside where no one is around. Take a walk. Stand in your garage. Find someplace where you can hear yourself say the words without worrying about anyone listening.

You’ll discover sentences that looked wonderful on paper but don’t sound like you. You’ll hear where you’re rushing. You’ll find words that are difficult to say naturally. And after you’ve heard yourself give the toast several times, your own voice begins to sound familiar rather than intimidating.

Then, if you’re comfortable doing so, give the toast once to someone you trust. Ask them a simple question: “Does this sound like me?”

You aren’t trying to memorize a performance. You’re becoming comfortable with words you have already decided are worth saying.

There is one more part to my Grade 5 story. That student who struggled to read aloud eventually became quite comfortable speaking before groups. Over the years, people have complimented me on my public speaking and, on more than one occasion, told me that I speak with gravitas.

I don’t tell you that to boast. I tell you because I certainly didn’t start there. Somewhere along the way, I became comfortable with the sound of my own voice. And I have never forgotten the teacher who first helped me begin.

Preparation won’t necessarily make every nervous feeling disappear. But when you stand to give your toast, you won’t be hearing those words—or the sound of your own voice saying them—for the first time.

So if giving a wedding toast makes you nervous, don’t conclude that you simply aren’t a public speaker.

Find your own tree.

Take your toast somewhere you can be alone and say it out loud. Then say it again. You may be more capable of giving those words than you think.

This happens. Someone finishes a toast, another person is handed the microphone, and suddenly someone says, “Would you like to say something?” You may not have planned to speak at all.

Don’t panic, and don’t try to invent a five-minute speech. Keep it short. Say who you are if necessary. Share one sincere thought about the couple. Offer one wish for their future. Raise your glass.

That’s enough. In fact, an unplanned thirty-second toast that comes from the heart can sometimes be more memorable than a carefully prepared ten-minute speech. And if you truly don’t want to speak, it is perfectly acceptable to graciously decline.

Traditionally, many wedding toasts were directed primarily toward the bride or groom. Today, it usually makes more sense to focus on the couple.

That doesn’t mean every sentence has to be evenly divided between two people. If you’ve known one partner for thirty years and the other for three, pretending otherwise can sound artificial. Talk honestly about the relationship you have. Then widen the circle.

A parent might begin with memories of a son or daughter and eventually talk about watching that person fall in love. A best friend might tell a story about years of friendship and then describe what changed when the partner entered the picture. The toast moves naturally from the person you have known to the couple you are celebrating.

There is no single formula for a good wedding toast. The words should fit the speaker, the couple and the celebration. Here are a few starting points.

A parent’s toast can be particularly meaningful because it connects the couple’s future with the lives that brought them to this moment.

You might share a childhood memory, but don’t spend the entire toast talking about childhood. The wedding isn’t only about the person your son or daughter used to be. It is also about the adult they have become and the person they have chosen to share their life with.

Welcome the new spouse or partner. Talk about what you’ve observed in their relationship. And don’t feel pressured to offer marriage advice unless you genuinely have something you want to say.

Sometimes “We love you, we are proud of you, and we are delighted to welcome you into our family” is more meaningful than a list of lessons about marriage.

Wedding-party toasts often have one great advantage: stories. You may have known one of the partners through college, work, childhood, travel or years of friendship. Use that history. But choose the story carefully.

The best story isn’t necessarily the funniest one you know. It is the one that helps the guests understand something about your friend and why you are happy they found the person sitting beside them.

A good wedding-party toast often has a simple arc:

• This is the person I have known.
• This is what happened when they met their partner.
• This is why I believe they are wonderful together.

That is plenty.

The toast to the bride

The toast to the bride, often given by the best man but not always, is a kind of love letter spoken aloud. This is the bride’s day. She has lived this day over hundreds and maybe even thousands of days in her mind, dreams, and imagination. The best man is usually the groom’s close friend or relative. It is important that the best man show that he IS the best man by preparing for one of the most important responsibilities of the day, the tribute or toast to the bride.

And it isn’t all that hard. What is unique about this individual, this couple and their relationship? Do you know a funny story, keeping in mind that if it isn’t funny for everyone, it isn’t fun?

Recalling how the couple first met, the first date, how romance dawned, and the engagement are all stories waiting to be told.

It is a bit in the delivery. Timing and pausing at just the right moments can bring out humor, warmth, and a sense of well-being. Above all, the toast must be complimentary and in good taste. This is not the time for off-color, rude, or questionable risk taking. At this moment you can’t be too kind.

Absolutely. A toast from the newly married couple can be a wonderful opportunity to thank the people who helped make the celebration possible. You might thank your families, wedding party, guests and anyone who traveled a significant distance to be with you.

But don’t turn it into an awards ceremony in which every vendor and relative has to be mentioned individually. The larger message is simple: thank you for being part of our lives and for sharing this day with us.

If there are particular people whose contribution deserves special recognition, certainly acknowledge them. Then enjoy your wedding.

This may seem like a small detail, but I have a particular opinion about it.

If you’re using a traditional wine or champagne glass, hold it by the stem. The stem isn’t there simply for decoration. It allows you to hold the glass without warming the wine with your hand, and it keeps fingerprints off the bowl so the glass retains its clear, sparkling appearance.

For some reason, you don’t always see this done correctly—even in movies set in vineyards. But particularly at a formal occasion such as a wedding, holding the glass by the stem is both practical and elegant.

You don’t need to keep your glass raised throughout your toast. That quickly becomes awkward. Leave it on the table or hold it comfortably while you speak, then raise it by the stem when you invite the guests to join you in honoring the couple.

And yes, I admit to having a personal bias here: I much prefer a traditional stemmed wine glass to a stemless one. A stemmed glass was designed that way for a reason.

There are certainly occasions when none of this matters very much. Sitting outdoors at a vineyard with friends, I would be perfectly happy drinking wine from a simple water glass. But a wedding is usually a more formal occasion, and sometimes those small details add to the sense that this is a special celebration.

If you forget everything else on this page, remember these five things.

1. Keep it personal

   Generic words are easily forgotten. Say something that could only come from you.

2. Keep it relatively short

   You don’t have to tell every story you know.

3. Include the couple

   Even if you know one person much better, remember what you’re celebrating.

4. Don’t confuse embarrassment with humor

   Laughter that includes the couple is the kind worth having.

5. Speak from the heart

   Perfect words are overrated. Sincere words aren’t.

A wedding toast is one of the few wedding gifts that doesn’t come wrapped in a box.

You are giving the couple your memories, your affection, your hopes for them and, for a few minutes, your voice.

You don’t have to impress the room. You don’t have to make everyone laugh. You don’t have to sound like someone you aren’t.

Know what you want to say. Prepare enough that you can say it comfortably. Look at the people you are honoring. And then say what you mean.

Years from now, the couple probably won’t remember every word. But they may remember how your words made them feel.