A Bit of Advice

Wedding planning involves plenty of decisions you expect to make—where to get married, whom to invite, what to spend, and what kind of celebration you want.

But a few questions can catch couples by surprise. What do you need to do to make your marriage legal? What if the idea of a smaller wedding or elopement suddenly becomes appealing? And what happens if one of you begins having doubts as the wedding gets closer?

Advice from other people can be helpful, but not every piece of advice will apply to you. Listen, consider what makes sense for the two of you, and use what helps you make thoughtful decisions about your wedding and your future together.

Good advice fills a present or future need to know, and it helps you define what you really want. The details make the difference. It’s fun to dream about the perfect day, but some things have to be done to make the dream come true.

Three things worth thinking about

1. Don’t forget the marriage license

A marriage license isn’t the most exciting part of wedding planning, but it is one of the most important. Requirements vary depending on where you are getting married, so find out what is required well before your wedding day. Your wedding won’t be legal without a license, and you really won’t be officially married. So plan ahead.

Check the application process, identification requirements, fees, waiting periods, and how long the license remains valid. If you’re getting married away from home or in another country, be sure you understand the requirements that apply where the marriage will take place. You will still need that marriage license even if you elope or get married in a different country.

2. Is eloping right for you?

Ask married friends whether the thought of eloping ever crossed their minds while they were planning their wedding. My bet is that a high majority will say the thought at least crossed their minds, even if they knew they would never act on it.

It’s easy to understand the appeal. Planning a wedding can be stressful, time-consuming and expensive. A smaller, simpler wedding can mean fewer decisions and no advice-giving from friends and future in-laws about planning YOUR day. There would be lots more money to put toward the honeymoon, furniture, and living space, especially if you are paying a large part of the bill. Sometimes even the parents of the bride, if they are paying, feel the money could be put to better and longer-lasting use.

Eloping also doesn’t have to mean secretly running away to get married. Today it might mean having a very small ceremony with a few family members or friends, followed by an intimate dinner or celebration. It’s more like going out for the evening. For some couples, that may be exactly the wedding they want.

But eloping shouldn’t simply be an escape from the pressures of wedding planning. Think about what the two of you really want, who you would want to share the moment with, and whether you might later regret not including people who are important to you. Take your time. Now that’s good advice!

Choose a smaller wedding or elopement because it feels right for the two of you—not simply because wedding planning has become difficult.

3. What if one of you gets cold feet?

It happens more often than you think. Anyone can get cold feet, so you are not alone, and many things can trigger it. Pre-wedding doubts can happen for many reasons. Planning a wedding can be stressful, and marriage itself represents a significant change in your life. If you or your partner begins having doubts, don’t automatically assume that something is terribly wrong—but don’t simply ignore those feelings either.

Give yourself some time. Time can bring clarity. Talk with each other when you’re both ready to have a thoughtful conversation rather than trying to force an immediate answer. The timing matters. Otherwise the one whose feet are cold might become even colder.

One of the most important questions is what the doubts are really about. Is this anxiety about the wedding, the changes that come with marriage, or marriage itself? Or are there serious concerns about the relationship and whether this is the person you want to marry?

I remember one groom-to-be who told his fiancée, “Well, if it doesn’t work, there is always divorce.” Screech! His fiancée wisely answered that there would be no divorce, and that if he wasn’t totally sure and committed to making this work, the wedding was off.

It sounded harsh, but it forced him to think seriously about what was troubling him. He realized that his uncertainty wasn’t about the woman he loved. It was about marriage and the magnitude of the commitment he was about to make. He knew she was the person with whom he wanted to share his life.

That’s an important distinction. Being nervous about getting married isn’t necessarily the same as having doubts about the person you’re marrying.

On the other hand, if your doubts reveal serious concerns about the relationship, don’t let invitations, deposits, gifts or the expectations of other people pressure you into going ahead. A wedding can be postponed or canceled. It is better to stop than to make a mistake, if you know this isn’t right for you. Face reality and truth, and save yourself and your partner a lifetime of grief. Take serious concerns seriously.

But don’t allow a difficult moment brought on by wedding-planning stress or fear of change to make the decision for you either.

I think of it as the Three Ts: TEAM, TIME and TALKING. If you know you’re on the right team, give yourselves time and keep talking.