Communicating About Your Wedding Plans

Talking and listening to your partner is the single most important action that you can take. Communicating involves both speaking in a manner that can be understood and actively listening to hear what the other person is expressing.

One fundamental question is whether the planning process, for you, is about preparing for an event or about creating an experience for you and your partner. An event has less to do with relationship. An experience is something to be shared and cherished for a lifetime.

Start Early and Stay United

Start the conversation about your wedding plans as soon as you are engaged. If you do not want to set a date, that is fine, but clearly communicate this with each other so that there are no misunderstandings right from the beginning. There is no reason to set a date if neither of you is ready.

If you are ready to set a date, even if it is a year or two away, begin talking with each other about your wedding. Starting early allows ample time to line up your thoughts and dreams, or to negotiate a compromise.

It is important to listen to each other’s ideas. Determine together how decisions will be made. You must remain united in decision-making going into marriage planning. One partner’s heart may burn with an intense passion for certain aspects of the planning, while the other partner’s priorities lie elsewhere. Moving forward together will solve problems later.

Every step in the wedding planning process involves making decisions, sometimes many decisions. Determine what both you and your partner want and how your choices can work together. Separate needs from wants, and absolutes from nice-to-haves. This will help you prioritize what is most important for each of you.

Keep in mind that your wedding is one day and one event. Your marriage is for a lifetime. Consider trade-offs. Many decisions have a financial consequence. What you buy now prevents you from spending money on something a few years from now. Lasting memories are important. A lifestyle that provides more financial flexibility is important as well. Strive to keep these two things in balance. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to other things. While we may want to have it all, some factors limit having it all.

Your wedding is one day and one event. Your marriage is for a lifetime.

Listen for What Matters

When your partner expresses a preference, listen for the reason behind it. A particular tradition, guest, location or detail may have a meaning that isn’t immediately obvious to you.

Ask questions before trying to persuade. You may discover that the two of you aren’t as far apart as you first thought.

Also remember that you don’t have to divide every decision equally. One of you may care much more about the music while the other has strong feelings about the food or photography. Giving each other room to take the lead on different decisions can make planning easier.

Ask questions before trying to persuade.

When Family and Friends Have Opinions

Family and friends may have strong opinions about your wedding. Their advice may be thoughtful and helpful, especially when it comes from people who know and care about you. At other times, their expectations may be very different from your own.

Listen to what they have to say, but remember that listening doesn’t mean you have to follow every suggestion. You and your partner ultimately need to decide what works for your wedding, your priorities and your budget.

It can become more complicated when parents or other family members are contributing financially or when a decision involves family traditions, the guest list or expectations that have developed over many years. Talk about these situations together before responding. Decide where you are willing to compromise and where something is especially important to one or both of you.

When someone’s suggestion conflicts with what you want, you don’t have to turn it into an argument. Be kind, listen, acknowledge that the advice is usually offered with good intentions, and then make your decision together.

Your wedding is important, but so are the relationships you will have after the wedding. Whenever possible, protect the relationship without giving away responsibility for your decisions.

Your wedding is important, but so are the relationships you will have after the wedding.

Give Each Other Time to Decide

Not every wedding decision needs to be made immediately. If you reach a point where the conversation is becoming frustrating or neither of you is ready to compromise, set the decision aside and come back to it later.

Some people process decisions quickly; others need time to think through the possibilities. Giving each other that time can prevent a relatively small wedding decision from becoming an unnecessary conflict.

When you return to the conversation, focus on the decision you need to make rather than on who argued the better case the first time.

Wise Words from Wise People

Over the years, I have had the privilege of knowing a few very wise people. Regarding communication and relationships, the following are some critical things they shared with me. These wise words will be useful in communicating with your partner about your wedding plans.

1. If you speak once or twice during a critical conversation, people will hear you. Constantly talking and repeating the same thing will decrease your opportunity to be truly heard.

2. Speak into the listening of the other person. Say things in a way in which the other person can hear you. Speaking to be understood requires you to listen to your own words before they come out of your mouth. Ask yourself, am I being clear? Have I stated my point succinctly? Am I speaking slowly and calmly to enable the other person to absorb and process the point that I am trying to make?

3. Bring out new points that are directly related to the outcome that you want. Avoid repeating the same argument and just speaking louder and with more emotion. This brings nothing of value to the conversation but only emphasizes that you are not listening to the other person. You are only becoming more emphatic about YOUR position. Using your intelligence, sharing your wisdom, exercising your creativity, and basing your position on common sense and practicality will help bring out the value of your point of view.

4. Allow time. Communicating with your partner about decisions that need to be made is a process. Unless it is a crisis requiring immediate action, there is no urgency to make decisions at this moment. Share at the beginning that you are not expecting a decision right now, but are presenting some thoughts for consideration. Try to keep the conversation open to allow time for the other person to consider what you have said. Change takes time, and a change in perspective will evolve. After a day or two, come back to the question and ask your partner, “Have you given any more thought to...?”

5. Being kind is foundational to knowing how to make decisions. Your relationship is more important than a single decision. Be willing to give and take. You are setting the patterns that will follow you through the initial months and years of your marriage.