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David's Take

Religious, Spiritual, or Neither? Talk With Your Officiant First

An older officiant talking with an engaged couple over coffee at a sunny kitchen table

I spent part of my life as a pastor, so faith was always part of the weddings I officiated. Then one day a bride sat down with me and said plainly that there was to be no mention of God. Nothing religious, nothing spiritual.

I did the ceremony. I'll be honest, though: afterward I wondered why I'd agreed. Some of the guests noticed, too, and a few came up afterward to ask me about it.

I'm not telling you this to judge that couple. Plenty of couples today want a ceremony without religion, and that's their choice to make. I'm telling you because the trouble that day wasn't their choice. It was the match. They had an officiant whose heart wasn't in the kind of ceremony they wanted, and that's not fair to anyone, least of all the couple.

My advice

  • Decide together first. Before you meet any officiant, talk as a couple about what you want: religious, spiritual, or neither. Couples are sometimes surprised to learn they don't agree.
  • Say it clearly and early. Tell your officiant at the first meeting, not two weeks before the wedding.
  • Ask how they feel about it. Don't just ask "Will you do this?" Ask "Are you comfortable with this?" A good officiant will tell you honestly.
  • Think about your families. Grandparents and parents may expect a prayer or a blessing. You don't have to include one, but it helps to let them know ahead of time so it isn't a surprise.
  • Look for a middle ground if you want one. Some couples include a short reading or a quiet moment of reflection, which lets everyone bring their own meaning to it.

The person leading your ceremony should be able to stand behind every word.

Still looking for the right person? My page on choosing a wedding officiant covers what to ask before you decide.

Your ceremony should sound like the two of you. My complete guide to the wedding ceremony can help you put it together, and my Wedding Ceremony Words Workbook on Etsy has wording you can choose from, whichever kind of ceremony you want.

More plain talk: see all of David's Take

Written by David Pringle, who has officiated many weddings and grew up in his parents' flower shop. Meet David