Your First Christmas Together: Who Do We Buy For?

Somewhere around your first Christmas as a couple, the gift list gets complicated. Suddenly it isn't just your family. It's theirs too. Parents, siblings, the siblings' partners, nieces and nephews, maybe a grandmother who expects a card with a photo in it. Who do you buy for? How much? Do you sign the gifts from both of you? And what happens when one of you thinks Christmas is about giving and the other thinks it's about simplicity?

I can tell you about that last one, because it happened in our house this fall. After fifty-some years of marriage, we still get it wrong now and then.

When "let's scale back" landed wrong

Our family has grown to about eighteen people: children, their partners, grandchildren, and the grandchildren's ever-changing sweethearts. This year I said it was time to scale back and buy only for the kids eighteen and under. Our sons were delighted. Our daughter went along with it, though she was a little sad. Giving is how she shows love. Others felt it might be awkward.

Then my wife called me, and I could hear in her voice that something was wrong. Christmas matters to her more than almost anything. She loves the buying, the wrapping, and most of all watching someone open what she chose for them. My "let's scale back" had landed on her like a final ruling. I was only thinking out loud.

So I said, "Then let's buy for everyone." We could afford it. It was never about the money. I simply like things simple. But it is so easy to make her happy, and I'd nearly missed it.

The magic words

Then I told her something I hope every couple learns early. All you ever have to say is:

"This is really important to me, and it will make my Christmas."

Those are the magic words. Say them, and the other person knows this isn't a passing opinion. It's something that matters to you.

A few things to settle before your first Christmas together

• Make the list together, early. Write down every name on both sides before anyone buys anything. Surprises at the checkout are how arguments start.
• Each of you handles your own family. If the gift list is changing, the person whose family it is should be the one to explain it. It goes down easier coming from a son or daughter than from a new in-law.
• Agree on a number. Not just per person, but for the whole season. Then you're making choices instead of keeping score.
• Decide how you'll sign. Gifts "from both of us" tell family you're a team now. That matters more in the first year than people realize.
• Let the one who cares more carry it. If Christmas is the joy of one partner's year, let them lead and be glad of it. The other's job is to help, not to trim.
• Use the magic words. If something matters to you, say so plainly. And if your partner says it, believe them.

Looking for gift ideas? See 20 Christmas gift ideas for engaged couples, or plan a Christmas engagement party. Talking through plans as a couple? See how to make wedding planning decisions together.

Written by David Pringle, who has officiated many weddings and has been married more than fifty years. Meet David