Ask David

We Want a Small Wedding. Our Parents Want a Family Reunion.

A small white garden chapel with its doors open and climbing roses, beside a long dinner table set with white linen and candles

Dear David,

My fiancé and I want a small wedding with about 35 guests. We have found a beautiful garden venue and can afford the celebration ourselves.

Our parents are horrified.

My mother has a list of 40 relatives she says must be invited. My fiancé’s parents have another 30 people, including family friends he hasn’t seen since childhood.

They say weddings are about bringing families together and that we’re being selfish by excluding people.

My father has offered to pay for a larger reception, but neither of us wants one.

We would rather begin our marriage without spending a fortune or managing a crowd of people we barely know.

Are we wrong to insist on a small wedding?

— Small Wedding, Big Problem

Dear Small Wedding,

You’re not wrong. Keep it small.

Your parents want a family reunion. You want a wedding. Both are perfectly respectable events. They just don’t have to happen on the same Saturday.

Some of the best weddings I ever saw had fewer than forty people. Everyone knew everyone. There was time to talk. The bride and groom actually got to eat their dinner.

I once officiated one in a tiny garden chapel, followed by a quiet dinner on white linen. No fuss, no bother, and a lot of memories worth cherishing.

Ask both sets of parents which names truly matter to them and why. You’ll find a handful of real relationships, and a good many people who are on the list because “we went to their daughter’s wedding in 2008.” If you have a couple of seats to spare, give them to the first group.

Thank your father for his offer, and turn it down. The problem isn’t money, so money won’t fix it. It’ll just arrive with a bigger guest list attached.

If your parents really want to show you off to the relatives, a backyard barbecue a few weeks later is a fine idea. Offer it only if you’d enjoy it. A compromise you resent isn’t a compromise. It’s a second wedding you didn’t want.

Thirty-five people who love you can make a remarkable amount of happiness. A marriage doesn’t mean more because the caterer had to order another hundred chairs.

More dilemmas, answered:

The letters on Ask David are made-up examples of real wedding dilemmas. The answers are David Pringle’s, who has officiated many weddings and grew up in his parents’ flower shop. Meet David